It never goes away

I take T to a music class each week. There are babies, there are pregnant women. There was a time when seeing a newborn or a pregnant woman would almost cripple me emotionally. I had such deep envy for that. I wanted a big belly, I wanted a baby to hold. And now when I see a pregnant woman or a new baby, I don't feel those things anymore. And that is how I know I don't want any more children. But if I let myself think about it for longer than half a second, the pain does come back. The sadness, the grief. It never goes away. I love T will all my heart, body and soul. But I'll never forget the four babies that I never met, never cuddled, never nursed.

I don't know why pregnancy loss is so "hush hush" in our society. I guess because it's just so sad. There is nothing good about it, just sadness, grief, and loss. And yet, it occurs all the time. Now I can tell my story to anyone, now that I have my T and I've "survived" recurrent pregnancy loss. But at the time, in the moment, during those months and years when I was on a cycle of try to get pregnant, get pregnant, hope to stay pregnant, lose pregnancy I never talked to anyone about it. It was just too hard, too sad, too raw.

Sometimes you have to talk about the sad things, or blog about them in this case.

Mamas, hold your babies tight today and every day.